Skip to main content

leaving

I am leaving for Manitoba tomorrow morning...way too early, really, but Air Canada likes to change your flights after you book them, just to keep things interesting. I had a list of items that I needed to accomplish today. Things looked good up until 1 pm or so and then the list and the schedule just began to ignore me and dance to their own song, something from the 90's, I think. What can one do? I went with it. Well, at least we were still moving, and dancing is always fun if you give yourself to it. So I did. I don't regret the leisurely lunch with a friend, nor the pedicure that Dean insisted that I get before I leave, nor the spontaneous YES to a simple request that meant so much more than just the errand. I am learning that time spent with people, serving people, doing things with people, even on a day like today when the list is long, is never a waste of time.

It is 11:39 pm and there are still 2 big items on the list: ironing and packing. But I'll get to them after I finish writing this, because this is important.

Yesterday at church, Dean showed a video on forgiveness. It was moving and relevant and the truth was so present I could feel it poking at my soul with its pointy bristles. Yes, I acknowledged, this is important. Not that I have any big unforgiveness in my life, I am pretty set in that area, but hmmm, it was a good topic that many people needed to hear, for sure. Good job, Dean. I went to the bathroom near the end of Dean's post-video talk, and while I was sitting there, one word boomed in my head: disappointment. Don't you love the bathroom revelations? Since I wasn't going anywhere right then, I asked, "Okay, God, what about disappointment?"

Here's how the conversation went.

G: Matte, you have some areas of disappointment in your life: things that have not worked out as well as you would have liked; people that are not wholly who you would like them to be; circumstances that are less than bright and shiny in your memory. You are okay with these things, you have resigned yourself to how things are, and you are not bitter. But you still carry some residue of disappointment around in you. And where it lives, where it clouds your brightness, you have not totally forgiven. It is the last little bit that you have not let go -changing your expectations, your demands, your wishes, your ways to align with mine. And until you let it go all the way, you are not free. Your life is partially in the shade. It hampers your full enjoyment of who you are today and what I have for you.

Me: (slight pause while I take this in) Yes, you're right. Show me the stuff. I want to let it go, every last bit of it, the dregs at the bottom of the cup and the fingerprints on the window. Let me come totally clean. I don't want my world tainted by resentment or disappointment, not even a gram or second of it. (flush)

I didn't even know I was holding onto it. Wow, things can be even lighter and brighter and there can be more peace and love and fullness in this gift of life? And I thought things were already pretty sweet. Amazing!

This preparation of my heart, I know, is more important than the ironing or the packing, which I will get to now.

Here is a photograph I took of a duck on Lake Ouareau, at our friends' cottage. He appeared when we walked down to the dock. I asked him to stay there while I got my camera, which he obediently did. He let me snap a few pictures of him while he paddled back and forth right in front of us, and then went on his way. Thanks, Mr. Duck.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Names of God

The Hebrew word "YHWH" (read from right to left) This past Sunday I gave a talk on the Names of God, the beginning of a series on this topic. This first talk was to be a gentle introduction so I thought it wouldn't take too many hours of preparation. Well, I quickly discovered that the research is almost bottomless; every time I thought I had a somewhat definitive list of names, I found another source which added a few more or gave a different twist on some of the names I had already come across. After several hours I was getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of data (and that was only looking at the Hebrew Bible). I wondered how I could present this to people in an orderly and accessible fashion and within a reasonable time frame. Not everyone is up for a 3-hour lecture crammed full of detail on a Sunday morning. So I took a break and spent a bit of time meditating on this problem and asking the Spirit for guidance. And then I thought that being overwhelmed by Go

soul refrigerator

I went grocery shopping yesterday and came home with three bags of food. After I unpacked them all, this is what my fridge looked like: really empty. How does that happen? How can I feel so full and ready for any food emergency one moment, and after one quick glance, realise that I have nothing, really? Today is one of those days in my soul as well. I woke up with gratitude and fullness in my heart, ready to take on this day and all the wonderful opportunities that it presented. Then I caught a brief glance of some emptiness in my life and bam - my buoyancy was compromised. For the past few hours I have been treading water, trying to keep my head in a positive space, bobbing in and out of disappointment, and catching myself whining with pathetic indignity at the cement blocks of other people's stupidity that are tangled around my ankles. When I am staring at the empty refrigerator of my soul, these are my thoughts. Where do I go from here? Perhaps I should slam that refrigerator

comedic timing

Comic by Joel Micah Harris at xkcd.com One of my favourite jokes goes like this: Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting cow w--- Moooooooo!! Timing is important in both drama and comedy. A well-paced story draws the audience in and helps it invest in the characters, while a tale too hastily told or too long drawn out will fail to engage anyone. Surprise - something which interrupts the expected - is a creative use of timing and integral to any good story. If someone is reading a novel and everything unfolds in a predictable manner, they will probably wonder why they bothered reading the book. And so it is in life. Having life be predictable all of the time is not as calming as it sounds. We love surprises, especially good surprises like birthday parties, gifts, marriage proposals, and finding something that we thought was lost. Surprises are an important part of humour. A good joke is funny because it goes to a place you didn't expect it to go. Sim